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Post by Darth Frigus on Sept 1, 2010 11:39:48 GMT -6
I'd like to ask one more thing from you.But first a "little" speech, to illustrate the situation...I know you'll get incredibly bored reading this, at least I would.And please excuse any swearing, I tend to get a bit carried away.
-Story-
Life was never good to me.I know this sounds more like a whining of a spoiled brat than a serious thought, but it's true.I am a child of a merchant and an army captain who "died".Honestly, I started to doubt his existence.I live with my mother on an average monthly income.Now, many would tell me I am not nearly as unlucky as I think, but it's not about material property but about me as a person.My social status is 0 since I know about myself - I am living 2 kilometers from the nearest town so as a kid, I never could communicate or play with other kids, TV was my only friend.When I went to school, everyone was avoiding me and I can't possibly muster why.Then by coincidence I somehow became very light friend with around half of my class and that was it.I kinda improved my social skills in those 8 years, now when middle school came... I was incredibly glad I left that damn school, thinking how the new one will be better, but no.I didn't even get to enter the school when some dumbfucks started mumbling something about my face and laughing like idiots.And I don't get it - my face is normal, I dress normally, I'm built normally(I could even say good, those pushups, situps and squats did wonders) and I walk normally.So I ignore them(despite the unbearable wish to crack their heads)and walk into my new class.And again, I hear mumbling and laughing and whatnot for no obvious reason - I just casually walked into the room, for fuck's sake.And so, to the end of the school day, my every social participation was followed like that.And with a mix of anger, sadness, depression, curiosity and bloodlust, I came home.
That was boring enough.Better get a cup of coffee if you intend to read further, gonna be a lot of yawning.
-Analysis- The only possible reason for this that I could think of is that I am either incredibly unlucky or that I bear a curse from a past life. The first possiblity is very unlikely, at least by my knowledge.Nothing special about 23 June 1995. The other one is very likely.Many things happen, with no obvious reason: -Even when I'm positive, I suddenly get depressed and suicidal for no obvious reason.Just out of blue. -Since I can remember, I was having disturbing hallucination and visions.Like , when it's dark, I think there is someone peeking at me from behind the wardrobe.Or, when I close my eyes, I see various things, just flashing and disappearing - skulls, figures and most disturbing one that happened just last night - a goat head closing in on me.I am actually getting extremely disturbed just by writing this.Such thing repeat every night, so I always keep the TV on before I fall asleep. -Unusually low luck.Bad things always happen.A bus malfunctions in the middle of the highway, I get falsely accused of someone else's deed, I accidentally do something that greatly embarasses me, I never hit more than 2 numbers on the lottery.
From all the speculations and events, I am on the brink of madness I think.
-Solution-
No matter how hard I work, I just can't change things.Only good solution I see would be either that someone helps me or teaches me how to banish that curse that's haunting my soul or a miracle.Otherwise, I see no exit except suicide.You'd think I just choose it because it's the easiest way, but trust me, I tried everything.
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Post by hellios on Sept 2, 2010 15:40:58 GMT -6
Hm.
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Post by Empress Palpatine on Sept 3, 2010 22:31:34 GMT -6
Hopefully we can rule out the extreme...suicide. (Millions of years of evolution tend to make it not something our genes will permit.)
A curse over you...Hmmmm....I felt one over me too at times. I know what you mean. Your past and my past sound a little similar. I grew up with my mother because my parents divorced. Our income was low. I also lived in a neighborhood that was far away from other kids, so I more or less grew up in isolation. I was not social with classmates either. Middle school/jr. high...oh Jeez, I'd never want to repeat those years. That is when school kids are at their worst. Usually by high school it levels off a little. As to the weird looks thing. I got that too.
I don't necessarily think that one is cursed because of jerks at school. Every school has them. I hear it is much worse than when I went to school. Bullying has gotten so chronic that it often makes the news. If there is a curse, it must be affecting most of the western world. You are not alone.
These are not good times for many people. Many people are losing their jobs and their homes. It is a worldwide depression/recession and the fallout is hitting many people even if indirectly. Is any of your bad luck connected to the big picture of what is happening? It may or may not be in your case, but it may possibly explain the bad luck. Then, there is the individual case. It is never easy for people growing up in single parent homes.
Then there are beliefs and religion. Did you spend your young childhood hearing about hellfire and damnation? Sin and guilt? Sometimes religious upbringing can lead one to feel they are being dragged to hell by the toenails and cause one to see demons and such in dreams.
Goat's head...usually a motif of Satanism. From sermons or movies you saw? Some dream images come from outside (the culture); others are symbols of the inside. For the ones not obviously explained, a book on dream interpretation might help. I got three or four books on that so if you care to tell your dreams, I could possibly interpret them. It may help to know who the person (ghost?) peeking from behind the wardrobe is.
2 numbers on the lottery...doing better than me.
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Post by Empress Palpatine on Sept 3, 2010 22:42:03 GMT -6
Do you have any special passions or interests? When I was in school the only way I stayed sane was to have things I liked to do. I had a lot of hobbies. I liked science fiction and science stuff. I did art. I made costumes. Also I concentrated on my school work and getting good grades. School will come to an end not too far from now. Any thoughts about what you want to do after graduation? If you go to college, it may be good to pick one that is in a different location, so you can get a new hand of cards in life.
I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out the chaos of the universe vs. the determinism/order. The reason is personal....that is why does it suck and no God gives a darn? That is no doubt why I am in the Sith category.
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Post by Mrs. Darth Vader on Sept 3, 2010 22:52:44 GMT -6
Darth Frigus I am sorry to hear that life has been bad for you since 1995. If it is any consolation my life stunk for most of it as well. In 1970 both my parents were brutally murdered. I even saw the man running from the back. It was called a suicide. So I am experienced in the world of injustice. To this day they were NEVER caught. I have been made fun of since I started school in the 1st grade through 1oth grade by 11 grade they stopped because making money started to get into their brains. So if you can try to ignore the punks. If they are too jerky beat up the gang leader that will show them how tough you are and shut them up. Bullies are usually cowards and if you take out the so-called toughest guy the others will run. I know because this girl said that she would beat me up and to meet her for the fight. When I arrived on the fight sight she looked at me with a shocked look and ran because she never thought I would show up. She was alone with out her gang of ten kids so she did not have the guts to fight a fair fight. This is true of all bullies.
I am experienced with this tendency of people hating you or making fun of you for no apparent reason at all. I like you when I was young believed that I was cursed. then I believed that I was the only person with out "The Mark Of The Beast". All of those proved to be wrong as I aged. I am now 49 years old and have many years to research the answer and I found it in the pages of the book called "Shadows Of Forgotten Ancestors" by Carl Sagan and Ann Druyan. It explained how genes mutate and in the ruthless struggle to survive people can hate one another because they sense on some level your genes are different than their genes. For example people today are devolving and no one admits this except Charles Darwin and Carl Sagan. Both say that an organism can become a degraded version of themselves by the environment if that is what is necessary for survival. Natural Selection does not guarantee that an organism will improve and go up wards. It only determins which will live and which will die. The fittest does not mean improved as in genius or better just alive. A bug-man can live better than an Einstein in today's world. Humans are clearly going downward in evolution. The New Man is ruthlessly attacking the old man. My guess is that you like me are part of the old man. Of course you are higher and more evolved in the Einstein sense of the word compared to the New Man. I noticed that there are three Species of New Man. NOTE: This crosses racial barriers. New Man can be White, Black, Oriental, Hispanic, Semitic or any other racial national person. The three types of New Man are The Chimps ( these are the best and have most promise of unity with them). The Lizards and The Bug Man. Each person exhibits the treats and behaviors of the category I designated. NOTE: Man is meaning man kind which includes the female of the species. The Bug Man for example can work hours longer than the rest of us. They hate everyone who does not spend their whole lives working. These "people" never believe in fun or rest after work. They work around the clock. It would not hurt to read both "Origin Of Species" by Charles Darwin and "Dragons Of Eden" by Carl Sagan for extra beef. In "Shadows" Carl Sagan clearly shows you how "if you do not smell right" you can be ruthlessly treated. This is based on proven hard science and will give you more solid ground than to worry about curses that is not on you.
As to the nightmares that leaves with age. I know this from experience because when I was a child I had severe nightmares. They were pretty bad in my twenties. In my thirties they lessened in severity. By my forties they are non-existent. Today when I get a "nightmare" it seems unreal and distant. It is a small heads up about something in life. They are no longer scary and bigger than life. I also no longer "Feel" my nightmares like I used to when young. So my comfort here is they will disappear with time and become more plastic.
I do feel for you and hope my advice helps. And no I did not yawn or get bored with your story. Let me know if you need more advice. I hope this helps and you can be in a more powerful position from my help. Good Luck. Oh, yes you may want to actually purchase the book Shadows Of Forgotten Ancestors by Carl Sagan even though I have a summery here so you can get the full impact of the book and read all that detailed lab and field proven evidence. Nothing like the hard facts of science (especially Sagan) to dispel any superstition.
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Post by Sifer Verlust on Sept 4, 2010 8:00:15 GMT -6
I went through similar experiences. I am not comparing my problems to yours, we're all different after all. I experimented with drugs and alcohol to, in retrospect anyway, numb the pain. Alcohol just made me angry and very, very violent. And I became hooked on drugs for a long time. Over 10 years. One of the reasons I joined the military a few years ago was to kick the drug addiction. Point is, you are not alone. And I don't think you're wrong in feeling the way you do a lot of times. I did a lot of the exact same things you did. I remember sitting in my room alone and watching T.V. all the time too. I used to cut myself with my knives and I overdosed three times (two on purpose and one by accident). And we're both still here aren't we? I had a lot of negatives, so I needed a lot of positives. Personally, I pursued writing and directing, bodybuilding, tae kwon do, tai chi, kendo, meditation, yoga, and a lot of self help books. If you want to add more or have other questions, by all means post them on here. We're here for you.
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Post by Mrs. Darth Vader on Sept 6, 2010 15:51:38 GMT -6
dcrobinson Sorry to hear that you went through all that. It is good that you were able to overcome what you went through. Interesting that you chose to be a Jedi when it is clear the way you cured yourself from drugs and depression was very Sith. The tough passage of boot camp is definitely a Sith cure to drugs and alcohol. I do not know if Darth Frigus actually attempted suicide as you since he only stated "feeling" like committing suicide. He also said nothing of drug use either so he may not have gone as far as you did. Thanks anyway for helping.
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Post by Sifer Verlust on Sept 6, 2010 21:45:11 GMT -6
Mrs. Darth Vader,
I just hope that I could help in some way by sharing my own story. That's all I wanted out of posted that reply. Interesting you should bring up my Sith ways. I did follow the path of the Sith until fairly recently. There were things that happened in my life that caused me to change and choose the path of the Jedi. I did not find God, or anything like that. I just read a lot of books, read some things online, and talked to very many people from different walks of life. All of that influenced me to choose the path of the Jedi.
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Post by Mrs. Darth Vader on Sept 11, 2010 15:02:51 GMT -6
Sifer Verlust Thank you for sharing your story because with many posts from different people than Darth Frigus can figure which he can use. I noticed the Sith because there is no tougher way to try to change your life than boot camp. Depending on which branch of the service choosen is just how Sith was your choice for example if you chose the Marines, that would be the most Sith choice. If you chose the Air Force that would be the least Sith of the military service. Of course any kind of Special Forces would be over the top because those choices are real tough.
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Post by Darth Frigus on Sept 19, 2010 13:07:28 GMT -6
Well...I don't know what to say.I read all your posts and I am really grateful that you took your time in helping me. I must apologize, I am pretty busy right now, so I will need some time to respond to everything. Thanks again.
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