Chuck Norris jokes

[Darth Frigus]

-How many push-ups did Chuch do?All of them.
-How does Chuck drink water from a fountain?To the bottom
-Why doesn't Chuck ever swim in the ocean?Sharks would become land animals.
-Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born.
-In a fight between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris won.

More coming soon.

[Darth Frigus]

-Chuck Norris slapped shut a rotating door.
-Chucky once went to the "Virgin Isles".Now they're just "Isles"
-Chuck Norris traveled to Mars once.Why do you think there's no life there?
-God created the Universe.Chucky created God.Who created Chucky?Nobody.Nobody dares touch his mother.
-Chuck Norris - if you see him, he sees you.If you don't see him, a few seconds may be separating you from death.
-Why does Chuck sleep with lights on?Darkness is afraid of him.
-Chucky doesn't sleep - he waits.
-Chuck will never have a heart attack.His heart is not so stupid as to attack him.
-Chuck doesn't look at the clock.He decides what time it is.
-Chuck plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver and always wins.
-Why did people invent cars?To escape from Chuck.No matter, Chuck invented car crash.
-When Chuck cuts onion, onion is the one crying.
-Chuck doesn't read books.He stares at them 'till the tell him what he wants to know.
-Chuck sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
-Chuck sneezes with open eyes.
-Chuck counted to infinity, twice.
-Russians lost the war against Americans only because they saw a few episodes of "Walker the Texas ranger"
-For his birthday, Chuck ate the entire cake before his friends could tell him a stripper was inside.
-Chuck never won Academy Award for acting..because he doesn't act.
-Chuck beat a wall in a game of tennis.
-Chuck actually died 20 years ago but the Grim Reaper is still afraid to come after him.
-Demo version of the Bible was called "Chuck Norris and friends".
-In 1945, Americans were faced with a choice: throw the atomic bomb or send Chuck.They chose the more humane option.
-God said he needed 10 days to create the world.Chuck gave him 6.
-Chuck looked at the dinosaurs once...just once.
-Chuck can lift the chair he's sitting on.
-When Chuck looks up to the sky, clouds start sweating.Some call that rain.
-Chuck's tears can heal cancer.Sadly, he cannot cry.
-Chuck visited Japan in '45. and got a fever.He snoozed once in Hiroshima and once in Nagasaki.
-What went trough the minds of Chuck's victims as he took care of them?His shoe!

Hold onto the seats, ladies and gentlemen, more on the way!

[Empress Palpatine]

Yup, that sounds like Chuck.

[Mrs. Darth Vader]

Darth Frigus
Those are really funny. Did you make them up or is there a book of Chuck Norris jokes? Thanks, I enjoyed them a lot.

[Darth Frigus]

Some of them I though myself but I found majority on internet.

Here are some about Velimir "Bata" Zivojinovic.Mostly known as Valter.
-Chuck slapped shut a rotating door.Bata slapped Chuck.
-What does Chuck do in Serbia?Pushups.While Bata is watching.
-Bata was the pilot of both planes that fired at World Trade Center on 11. September(?!)
-Bata taught Chuck everything he knows.
-Bata is like a father to the nazis...he fu**ed 'em all.
-Germans raised a statue in Bata's honor, so he wouldn't think they hate him for kicking their backsides.If he would think that, Germany would split into west and east again...but physically, this time.
-Even when Bata's out of ammo for his machine-gun, nazis keep falling dead.It's even worse to spoil his fun now.
-Chuck doesn't agree with independence of Kosovo because he knows Bata lives in Serbia.
-Bata can draw a triangle with an elipsograph.
-There are only four riders of the Apocalypse.Bata doesn't like riding.Besides, he's faster on foot.
-When Chuck kicked a horse in the chin, a giraffe was made into existance.When Bata kicked a horse in the chin, a pegasus came into existance.
-Bata juggles with Chuck, Arnold, Silvie, Bruce Willis, Bruce Lee and Godzilla...with one arm.
-Bata beats Chuck in tennis...with a golf stick.(this one can be read in two ways )
-Bata monitors Big Brother.
-Bata acted in "Wizard from Oz".He acted the Hurricane that destroyed Dorothy's house.
-Bata can kiss his own elbow.

[Darth Frigus]

Here are some more about Chuck:
-Chuck doesn't cross the street...he's on both sides all the time(?!)
-Thunder doesn't hit the same spot twice, so Chuck wouldn't track him down.
-Condom doesn't protect Chuck from AIDS...it protects AIDS from Chuck.
-They tried making a Chuck Norris toilet paper.But it failed since Chuck doesn't take s**t from anyone.
-Chuck drinks whisky from an empty bottle.
-In ancient China, legends say that a man will be born, who will stop all evil in the world...That's not Chuck.Chuck killed him.
-Chuck died.Then he showed devils what's real Hell.They couldn't stand it, so he's again in this world.
-That wasn't a tsunami!It was just Chuck sneezing.
-When Chuck died and came before God, he said: "I think you're sitting on my spot, pal..."
-Chuck Norris can do a suicide bomber attack and survive.
-Oxygen needs Chuck to survive.
-Chuck wins in blackjack even if he's playing poker.
-Both Darth Vader and Chuck know why the chicken crossed the street.Vader says it's because it was unable to resist to cross to the Dark Side.As for Chuck, nobody dares asking.
-Chuck should have acted in Aliens vs. Predator, but they canceled his role since they figured nobody would pay for a two-minute movie.
-There are two kinds of people on this world:
1.Chuck, Arnold, Silvie,Bruce Willis, Bata Zivojinovic, Vin Diesel
2.People who will die
-Chuck should have stared Frodo in Lord of the Rings.But in five minutes after beginning, he always tore down Barad-Dur with his roundhouse kick, so it was canceled.
-Chuck is a vegetarian.He only eats animals and people once he puts them in vegetative state with one roundhouse.
-Chuck can win a game of X-O in two turns.
-Chuck can drown a fish in water.
-Chuck plays the violin using a piano.
-Chuck can delete the Recycle Bin(this one made me laugh like an idiot)
-Chuck can kill two stones with one bird.
-Chuck can kick a cyclops between the eyes.
-The quickest way to a man's heart is via Chuck's hand.
-Every mirror in front of which Chuck stands automatically breaks.Nobody is crazy enough to stand between two Chucks.
-Chuck can strangle a man using a wireless phone.
-Ghosts exist because Chuck kills too many people, too fast for Death to get them all in time.
-Chuck invented a new fighting art: Chuck-Will-Kill
-Chuck can see a 2 hour movie in 20 minutes.
-Chuck can light a fire with a piece of glass...during night.
-When Bruce Banner is angry, he becomes Hulk.When Hulk is angry, he becomes Chuck.
-When Arnold says that he will be back in the first Terminator, he means that he will call Chuck for help.
-Chuck is an alternate name for Death.
-Chuck swims up the river simply by relaxing in water.
-Earthquake doesn't exist.It's just Chuck having a bad dream and twitching in bed.
-Chuck killed the Dead Sea
-Chuck eats soup with a fork.
-Chuck can applause with one hand.
-Chuck doesn't have hair on his testicles since hair cannot grow through steel,.
-Chuck looked into Death's eyes once...since then, it stays away from him.
-Chuck doesn't love Raymond.